


Control

by Robyn_in_the_air



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Don't hate on Morgana, It wasn't all her fault, Morgana is bitter, Morgause is evil, Morgause is the voice in her head, She has anger issues, Song: Control (Halsey)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 07:19:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11504451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robyn_in_the_air/pseuds/Robyn_in_the_air
Summary: "And all the kids cried out, 'Please stop you're scaring me.' I can't help this awful energy, goddamn right, you should be scared of me, who is in control?Sometimes Morgana wished she could say no to the voice in her head





	Control

 

_They send me away to find them a fortune_

_A chest filled with diamonds and gold_

_The house was awake, the shadows and monsters_

_The hallways, they echoed and groaned_

* * *

 

Morgana opened her eyes. The haunting despair of her nightmare still clung to her shadowed mind. Her breath was fast and sharp, her hands trembling in fear.

A spark lit up in the darkness of her previously snuffed lamp and the small gasp that escaped her was anything but surprised. Her face paled, and she desperately shut her eyes, hoping for something other than that, anything but the evidence that she was a witch _,_ a _monster_.

The wind blew gently through the open window in her room. Laying back down on her bed, Morgana stared blankly up at the ceiling.

* * *

 

_I sat alone, in bed till the morning_

_I'm crying, "They're coming for me."_

* * *

The warning bells chimed throughout the castle.

Her eyes widened and fists clenched, sure that this time, this time they knew. They’d figured out that the suspicious crashes in the night during her nightmares were her, they’d figured out what she was, what she _had._

This time they’d figured out she had magic.

* * *

 

_And I tried to hold these secrets inside me_

_My mind's like a deadly disease_

* * *

“It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault I have this. They can’t do anything to me- yes they can, you know they can Morgana, stop fooling yourself, they can and they will and you’ve seen it done before, why should you be any different?” Desperate whispers echoed in the dark room. Morgana tried to stop the tears from pouring out in a mess of fear, desperation, pain, _anger._

“Someone help me, please,” she murmured into the night.

* * *

_I'm bigger than my body_

_I'm colder than this home_

_I'm meaner than my demons_

_I'm bigger than these bones_

* * *

“Lady Morgana, are you alright? There is an intruder in the castle, has he come here?” One of the guards that had burst into her room exclaimed.

“I- No, no Sir Rancy I-I h-haven’t see anybody here,” Morgana stammered.

“Are you… are you okay, Lady Morgana? You look a little frazzled,” Sir Henry said uncertainly.

“I’m fine, sirs, thank you for asking, you just startled me when you came in,” she smiled reassuringly at them.

They seemed assured and bid her leave.

Morgana’s smile dropped and she stared at her pale white hands.

* * *

_And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me."_

 

_I can't help this awful energy_ _  
_

* * *

A sob escaped her and she clasped a hand over her mouth.

_Is this really my fault?_

She wiped her eyes and closed her eyes at the thought.

It wasn't her fault she had magic, was it?

Was it?

The anger, the darkness, inside her, grew into an ugly monster.

No. No it wasn't. Just like it wasn't the faults of all the innocent souls Uther executed on a daily basis. Like it wasn’t the faults of the victims of a crime.

**_It isn’t_ ** **my** **_fault._ **

* * *

_God damn right, you should be scared of me_

 

_Who is in control?_

_I paced around for hours on empty_ _  
_

_I jumped at the slightest of sounds_

* * *

 

Morgause was dead. Morgana had killed her.

The guilt crawled up from in the depths of her stomach, only slightly tempered by the fact that she was one step closer to accomplishing her goal.

Morgana stumbled on a branch, but continued walking as if she hadn’t just murdered her sister, her best friend, her family.

The woods began to look familiar. As she staggered across the stretch of land, she began to recognize it as a druid camp. And… they looked familiar, were they…?

It was the same group that _Merlin_ had sent her to when she was still struggling to control her magic.

They gaped at her unruly, dirty appearance and slowly started inching away.

* * *

_And I couldn't stand the person inside me_

_I turned all the mirrors around_

* * *

She immediately looked down in shame. Her hands fidgeted at her sides and she couldn’t stop her eyes from darting anxiously to all corners of the camp, looking at anything but them.

Somehow looking at them, the people who had been ready to help her at a moments notice, people she’d considered _family_ before, made her feel worse.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a woman slowly packing up her things, a child burrowing closer to his mother, and realized something truly shattering.

They were afraid of _her._

* * *

_I'm bigger than my body_

_I'm colder than this home_

_I'm meaner than my demons_

_I'm bigger than these bones_

* * *

 

It wasn’t fair.

Morgana was trying to _help_ them, it wasn’t fair that they were afraid of her, they should be afraid of _Arthur,_ not her, never her, _she was trying to help them!_

Her indignation must have shown on her face, for the druids started to back off, and some even packed up their stuff and walked cautiously into the forest with their fearful faces faced towards her.

She gritted her teeth. “This isn’t fair, you know,” she knew she sounded akin to a whining child, but she couldn’t help it. “I’m trying to get magic back, this isn’t fair,” her voice rang out in the camp like a piercing bell, halting everyone in their paths.

After a moment of suffocating silence, one of the druids, the calm ones, approached her.

“My lady,” he began, “what you’ve done… with how many people you’ve… killed, I - we - find it hard to…” He stopped, hesitant.

“Find it hard to what?” Morgana looked disbelieving.

“We find it hard to reconcile your behavior with the Morgana we knew, the kind one, the one who despised hurting anyone!” Here his voice became louder, more passionate.

“I did it for _you!_ For all the sorcerers living in fear, in justice for all the ones who Uther has already murdered! I’m doing this for the good of our people, _why can’t you understand?!”_ She yelled, unable to keep the frustration inside her.

The wind blew faster, and the temperature dropped significantly.

“Lady Morgana…?”

“No, you don’t understand, I’ve made sacrifices for this cause, my - my _sister!_ Oh heavens, my sister, I can’t, you don’t understand,” she repeated.

“Lady Morgana, are you ok - ?”

It looked like a thunderstorm was approaching.

* * *

_And all the kids cried out,_

_"Please stop, you're scaring me."_

* * *

Morgana’s anger seemed to be steadily rising and consequently, the weather worsened. The druids’ fearful faces shifted quickly into panic.

The trees swayed dangerously, and the wind knocked down the tents the nomads were trying to pack.

Morgana seemed to finally realize what her anger and desperation were causing. She looked at her hands, feeling a sort of deja vu of years back in a dark room, of whispers of anguish, of pleads of mercy.

“No, no I’m sorry - please stop, I didn’t - I can’t - I mean, I can control it, but - _please!_ I’m sorry…” She trailed off at the nervous and apprehensive faces glancing back at her.

The druids scattered, mother’s ushering their children to follow the group while dragging their belongings behind them. The storm eventually came to a stop, but they still continued their panicked evacuation.

Morgana looked on helplessly, feeling a strong urge of injustice well up inside her.

* * *

_I can't help this awful energy_

_Goddamn right, you should be scared of me_

_Who is in control?_

* * *

Soon enough, the camp was mostly abandoned, save for a few stragglers trailing after their families, and shooting looks of unease at her.

Once the area was empty, Morgana slid down to her knees in despair. Once again, her mind went back to that day in her chambers so, so long ago.

She had pledged to herself that day that nobody would have to live with the crippling fear that she was. She had promised-

_You are trying to keep that promise, sister. It’s not your fault they don’t understand what we were doing, what you are going to continue doing without me._

The sudden arrival of Morgause’s voice startled Morgana, and she whirled around in search of her sister.

“Morgause?”

_My dear sister… Don’t be dissuaded by the opinions of druids who are too_ cowardly _to fight back against the tyrant Uther. Stay true to our cause even as I am not there._

After a slight hesitation, Morgana closed her eyes in determination.

“Morgause… thank you. I needed that, I know my purpose, I shouldn’t have let their words and actions affect me the way they did.”

Silence.

It seemed Morgause had left.

* * *

_I'm well acquainted_

_With villains that live in my bed_

_They beg me to write them_

_So they'll never die when I'm dead_

* * *

Morgana had only been kneeling there for 10 minutes when she heard a rustle in the trees.

She inclined her head toward the noise and stared at the bushes.

Barely a few seconds later, she was rewarded with the sight of a little boy stepping out of the leaves to stare at Morgana curiously.

After a few moments of inquisitive analyzation, the boy dragged his gaze away from Morgana and let his eyes wander over the void camp. Panic slipped into the boy’s face and he looked back to Morgana, this time warily.

The trembling in his body increased and he began breathing heavily as he took in the sight of his otherwise brimming-with-life home, empty.

“Are you okay…?” Morgana asked hesitantly. “Your camp, I… They left, I’m sorry.”

“Yes, I can see they left! Where did they go? And who are _you_?” The sadness and grief in the boy’s face had long since melted away and had been quickly replaced by a white hot burning anger.

Morgana straightened. “My name is Morgana Le Fay,” she said with her head held high, knowing exactly what his reaction would be and bracing herself for the impact.

All the color drained from the boy’s already pale face. “M-Morgana? _The_ Morgana?”

For a moment, a spark lit inside Morgana, a spark of hope, a light in the darkness that was her world right now.

Her hopes were dashed within a second of _really_ looking at the boy’s face, and her features hardened to form her trademark smirk.

The boy slowly stepped backward, still staring at Morgana as if to make sure she wasn’t going to spontaneously kill him. After a few steps, he stopped and looked like he was considering something.

He turned his back to Morgana for a few seconds, but then immediately turned back.

“But _why?_ Mama and Papa don’t tell me, they say ‘no it’s not your place to know, it's not important, but it is! It _is_ important and I want - I need - to know!”

Morgana was stunned.  _He wants to know why?_

“Because it’s necessary, because we’ve lived in fear for so long, because those people, those little insignificant _creatures,_ don’t deserve to rule over us, WE ARE MORE POWERFUL! We deserve more than being hunted down like animals-”

 

Oh.

 

_Oh no._

 

The boy was curled up on the ground, clutching his stomach and screaming in pain.

“Please… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” He drifted off and his head lolled onto his shoulder.

After a few seconds of horrified staring, Morgana worked up the courage to move. She stepped near his body and crouched down. Her trembling fingers pressed firmly into his neck to check if the pulse was there.

It wasn’t.

She gasped and scrambled away. Her lips quivered and her eyes widened involuntarily as she processed what she had just done.

She’d just killed an innocent boy.

* * *

 

_I'm bigger than my body_

_I'm colder than this home_

_I'm meaner than my demons_

_I'm bigger than these bones_

* * *

Sometimes Morgana just really wanted to sleep. Sleep properly, without nightmares or distractions, without magic or monsters.

Without little boys or accidental deaths.

But that wasn’t possible and she knew it, so she took a deep breath and opened her eyes.

This just proved it. No matter what she did, or would do, she was always going to be the villain. _Always._  What kind of a person killed a little boy?

Morgana gritted her teeth and stood. Her eyes wandered over the forsaken sight and she fought back tears of frustration.

_No._

_No, Morgana._

_Why should you strive to be anything more than what you are?_ **_They_ ** _should be the ones fighting for your approval, Morgana,_ **_they_ ** _should be the ones groveling at your feet for all you’ve done for them.  As for the little boy, that was just a matter of control. Accidents happen, Morgana, and that’s all the little boy was… An accident._

Morgana sighed at the persistent voice in her head, telling her what to think, what to feel, what to _do._

She was so tired.

* * *

_And all the kids cried out,_

_"Please stop, you're scaring me."_

_I can't help this awful energy_

_Goddamn right, you should be scared of me_

_Who is in control?_

* * *

It wouldn’t stop, _she couldn’t make it stop!_

_You know I’m right Morgana. These people, these specks, are nothing in comparison to what we are doing, THEY ARE NOTHING!_

Please.

Please stop it.

* * *

_And all the kids cried out,_

_"Please stop, you're scaring me."_

_I can't help this awful energy_

_Goddamn right, you should be scared of me_

_Who is in control?_

* * *

 Sometimes she really wished she could say no to the voice in her head.

* * *

 THE END.

Comment if you liked it and have an awesome day!

 


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